In a Little House in the Middle of Nowhere
by Luna Nightraven
Summary: Just a silly little ranting I came up with at three o'clock in the morning. Everyone gets griped out and tortured a bit. Um... rating for the language, mostly. R&R!


Hi people. I know it's been awhile and everyone is probably mad at me for not updating anything, but I decided to give you this little scrap of fanfiction to sate you for a little while. I gripe out the characters in this and torture them a bit in this.  
  
Semirhage: Only a bit?!  
  
Luna: Shut up.  
  
Um... let's see...  
  
DISclaimer: If I owned WoT, would I writing a DISclaimer? No, I would be writing a CLAIMER! You get the idea. It isn't mine.  
  
Tired person + three o'clock in the morning = this. Review, flame, I really don't care. Enjoy! :p  
  
Oh, and this was written before I read Crossroads of Twilight, so don't flame and gripe at me about something be off, okay?  
  
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In a Little House in the Middle of Nowhere  
  
written by She Who Walks the Night  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
In a little house in the middle of nowhere, there are many people sitting and standing around nervously. They had been mysteriously transported here and are waiting for something.  
  
"I wonder who brought us here?"  
  
"Does it matter?"  
  
"Of course it matters!"  
  
Suddenly, the door slams open, and a girl dressed in black saunters in. But who is it? Could it be...? Oh, Light help us, it is! It is She Who Walks the Night, Luna, the mighty author herself!  
  
"Hiya people!" Luna chirps cheerfully.  
  
"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Mat Cauthon asks no one in particular. He pounds his head in his hands, for the dice have just begun rattling.  
  
"Oh, quit whining!" Nynaeve al'Meara Mandragoran snaps.  
  
Luna glances around the room, and her eyes land on Rand al'Thor and Min Farshaw. Rand is sitting in what is probably the most uncomfortable chair in the room, and Min is using Rand for a chair, sitting Min-style on his lap. Luna's face splits into an evil grin.  
  
Min looks at Luna for a moment. Seeing the grin, she clutches Rand around the neck. "He's mine!" she says loudly.  
  
Luna gives Min a disgusted look. "You can keep that woolhead, Elmindreda. I don't want him."  
  
Min goes pink at the mention of her real name.  
  
"And he's my wolf," says another voice.  
  
Luna turns to look at Faile ni Bashere t'Aybara and Perrin t'Bashere Aybara. The two are seated on the floor near the fire, Perrin looking miserable, and Faile looking quite vicious.  
  
"Ah, the falcon Zarine," Luna says airily. "Ya know what, Zarine, Perrin isn't all that bad. Perhaps a bit boring at times, but not bad. I wouldn't mind taking him, but you're already an overly-jealous (insert desired profanity here). That, and I like Mat better."  
  
"What?" says blonde Elayne Trakand. "That doesn't make sense. What is profanity?"  
  
"Swearing, you silly little chit," Nynaeve snaps. "For example--"  
  
"Puh-lease!" Elayne sniffs. "You wouldn't believe all the swear words I've picked up over the years. Why, just the other day I heard the most outrageous round of swearing from Mat--"  
  
Elayne did not get the chance to tell Nynaeve about Mat's outrageous round of swearing, though, because Faile growled and launched herself at Luna.  
  
"Bad idea, falcon girl," Luna says. She sighs, shaking her head. She then snaps her fingers. Faile suddenly falls to the ground in a heap. A second snap of Luna's fingers, and Berelain sur Paendrag Paeron appears out of thin air and drops on Perrin.  
  
Luna watches as Berelain chases Perrin around the room, an amused smile quirking her lips. "You know, Zarine, I meant to drop her on you. A bit rusty, I am. But you know, this might be more interesting."  
  
Faile pulls out a metal baseball bat.  
  
"Eep," squeaks Berelain.  
  
"BACK TO HELL, EVIL DEMON BUNNY!" Faile shrieks.  
  
"What the--?" Luna says, eyebrows raised.  
  
Faile procedes to chase poor Berelain from the room. Berelain screams wordlessly in terror as Faile chases after her, swinging the baseball bat.  
  
Luna cracks up. "Hahahahahahahaha!" she laughs. And she continues laughing for at least ten minutes after Faile and Berelain disappeared. "Oh, that was great," she gasps, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. "Has she always been that vicious, Perrin?"  
  
"For as long as I've known her," Perrin answers, grinning. "I don't know why--"  
  
"Perrin, shut up. We really don't care about your psychotic wife," Mat says.  
  
"Come to think of it, he's right, so let's drop that subject," Luna says.  
  
Perrin did not protest.  
  
"Where's Aviendha?" Rand asks suddenly.  
  
Right on cue, Cyndane runs through the room screaming bloody blue murder, Aviendha hot on her heels and throwing balefire at her.  
  
Rand blinks. "Oh, okay."  
  
"Hey, doesn't anyone wonder who she is?" Mat asks, jabbing his finger at Luna.  
  
"Um..."  
  
"Well..."  
  
"Now that you mention it..."  
  
Nynaeve turns and glares at Luna. "Who are you?" she asks, her voice utterly empty of any trace of respect.  
  
"Me? I'm She Who Walks the Night," Luna answers.  
  
"The crazy author chick who enjoys torturing us in all her fanfics?" Mat asks.  
  
"One of many. Call me Luna," Luna says amiably. Then her attitude suddenly changed to something similar to Nynaeve's. "Didn't anyone tell you it's impolite to point, Matrim Cauthon?"  
  
"Eh... heh heh," Mat laughs nervously.  
  
Elayne snickers at the sight of Mat getting in trouble.  
  
Luna rounds on Elayne. "And you! I should beat you with a wedge of cream cheese until you beg for the power of cheese to save you!"  
  
"Beat her with what until what saves her?" Mat repeats, puzzled.  
  
"Sleeping with Rand!" Luna continues. "You don't know where he's been!"  
  
"Hey!" Rand yells indignantly.  
  
Luna turns to Rand. "And you, Rand al'Thor! You're a lecher! You're worse than Mat! He didn't keep three steady girlfriends at one time! He just went after one at a time, just like any respectable guy would!"  
  
"Mat, respectable?!" Egwene and Nynaeve screech incredulously.  
  
Luna rounds on the both of them. "You, Egwene, are a hypocrite! You think people who are in love act silly, then you go and play kissy-face with Gawyn!  
  
Both Egwene and Gawyn Trakand turn red at this.  
  
"And you, Nynaeve!" Luna continues. "Your temper is legendary! Every person here is scared to death of ticking you off! I'm surprised you haven't yanked that braid right out of your head yet! And you act like a lovesick little goat whenever you're around Lan! I'm not sure if you and him are worse, or if Rand and his threesome are!"  
  
"I don't pull my braid anymore," Nynaeve grumbles, deliberately removing her hand from her long, thick braid.  
  
"That--" Lan Mandragoran starts to protest what Luna had said to Nynaeve.  
  
"And you, Lan," Luna says. "You have Nynaeve, yet you still mope about because of Moiraine! You know that Nynaeve hated the fact that Moiraine held your bond! You belong to Nynaeve now! Moiraine is gone! She's dead! Dead, dead, DEAD!!! Get over it!"  
  
Lan looks extremely down in the dumps at the mention of Moiraine and her death.  
  
Annoyed, Luna wallops him over with a tire iron that appears out of nowhere, knocking the Malkieri Warder out cold.  
  
Mat, having already received his gripe-out from Luna, boldly asks, "How did you get that metal thing? And how did Berelain get here?"  
  
"Author powers," Luna replies.  
  
"Is that like the One Power?" Elayne asks.  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh."  
  
For the last thirty seconds or so, Tuon Athaem Kore Paendrag--  
  
***  
  
A/N: If you don't who Tuon is (if you haven't read Winter's Heart), there is a spoiler, so, if you care, don't read this part, and if you don't care, read on. :p  
  
***  
  
--had been trying to keep from sneezing. She clamps a hand over her mouth and nose, trying her darndest to fight back the sneeze, but to no avail. She sneezes loudly.  
  
Luna turns slowly to face the future Seanchan empress, giving her an evil grin. "Ah, yes, Tuon, our Daughter of the Nine Moons. I hear you can train damane."  
  
At this, the dice rattling in Mat's head stop. He groans. He should've known this would have something to do with bloody Tuon.  
  
Tuon nods, wondering where all this is going.  
  
Luna gives an evil laugh. "Did you know that sul'dam are really women that can learn to channel?"  
  
The short, bald girl gasps.  
  
"And since you can train damane like a sul'dam could...." Luna lets the sentence trail off to see the effects of her words.  
  
Tuon goes bug-eyed, and let me tell you that a short, bald, bug-eyed girl is a very interesting sight. "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" she wails.  
  
Mat, too, has gone wide-eyed. "You mean that she could be an Aes Sedai if she went to the White Tower?"  
  
"Yep," Luna answers.  
  
Mat's face twists into an expression of utter revulsion. "And I was starting to like you! Ugh! Get away from me!" He backs away from Tuon as though she had suddenly turned into a Trolloc.  
  
"But... but..." Tuon splutters.  
  
Luna cackles. "Poor Matsie-poo," she coos.  
  
"Stop that!" Mat yells at her.  
  
"Hmm..." Luna ponders something for a moment. She then snaps her fingers. The next moment, she is holding Mat's foxhead medallion and grinning demonically.  
  
"Oh, Light, you evil little goat!" Mat says, his voice an odd mix between anger and fear. Fear seems to be the dominating emotion. "I'm in a roomful of channeling women! Give that back!"  
  
"No," Luna says, sticking her tongue out. "It's mine now. I like foxes."  
  
"This can't get any worse!" Mat moans hopelessly.  
  
"Yes, it can," Luna corrects, grinning demonically again. "And it's about to. I have some friends for you all."  
  
She snaps her fingers, and the door opens. In single file enters Lanfear, Moiraine Damodred, Myrelle Barengari, Tylin Quintara Mitsobar, and Galadedrid Damodred.  
  
"What am I forgetting...?" Luna mumbles. "Ah, yes!" She snaps her fingers yet again. "Let me introduce some of my muses. Semirhage, Moghedian, Dore sa a'Core, and Mahdi d'Tai!"  
  
In comes two more Chosen, er, Forsaken, and two Darkhounds. Once everyone is inside, utter chaos ensues.  
  
Immediately, Moghedian begins trying to strangle Nynaeve. "If you ever, EVER put me on an a'dam again, I swear--"  
  
Let's leave that scene alone for now, as some really bad profanity follows. ^_^'  
  
~*~  
  
Lan, who had woken up sometime between being knocked out and this paragraph, was trying to get away to help Nynaeve, but he is busy being mauled by Moiraine and Myrelle. The two seem unable to resolve whose Warder he should be now, and are also extremely angry that Lan married Nynaeve.  
  
"You stupid woolhead! What were you thinking, marrying that braid-yanking idiot?!" Moiraine screeches at Lan.  
  
"Leaving me like that! What in the Pit of Doom were you thinking? Or were even thinking at all?!" Myrelle shrieks.  
  
Um, yeah, you get the idea.  
  
~*~  
  
Semirhage, too, was trying to help Nynaeve, but she spots Lanfear. The terrible hate between the two gets the best of them, and they begin fighting.  
  
Enough said.  
  
~*~  
  
"Alright! Cat fight!" Mat yells, watching the two Chosen, er, Forsaken.  
  
Then Tylin finds Mat. "Duckling!"  
  
"Oh no! NO! Get away from me!" Mat screams, in hysterics now.  
  
"Stay away from him! He is mine!" Tuon shrieks at Tylin, having forgotten Mat's reaction to her newly-revealed ability to learn to channel.  
  
Consequently, Tuon and Tylin start fighting over Mat. Interestingly, Tuon is winning.  
  
Onward to the next scene now.  
  
~*~  
  
Galad had spotted Egwene and, turning on the Galad-charm, walked over to her.  
  
Egwene just rolls her eyes. "Galad, I'm an Aes Sedai, the Amyrlin Seat. I don't like you. I love Gawyn. Now go away," she says.  
  
"You heard her! Go!" Gawyn commands. He whacks Galad with a stick that Luna hands him.  
  
"Wha-- What?!" Galad freaks completely. "You can't be an Aes Sedai! You don't love me? You love HIM? No! No, no, NO!"  
  
Luna was about to snap her fingers again, presumably to knock Galad out, but Egwene beats her to it. The young Amyrlin channels, creating a club of Air and directing it to hit Galad heavily on the head, knocking him to the ground.  
  
Luna nods approvingly. "Well done, Egwene."  
  
"Does this mean I have immunity in the next story you write?" Egwene asks.  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh. Damn."  
  
~*~  
  
Faile and Berelain have returned, Faile still chasing Berelain with the baseball bat. Amazingly, Berelain is still unscathed; Faile has been unable to catch her.  
  
"Yo, Berelain, here!" Luna tosses the First of Mayene her own metal baseball bat.  
  
"Take this, you crazy bitch!" Berelain yells, swinging at Faile. She manages to hit the bad-tempered Saldaean Lady on the back of the head, knocking her out.  
  
Perrin, meanwhile, is looking on with an amused expression, petting Mahdi the Darkhound. Darkhounds are, after all, almost like Shadowspawned wolves.  
  
~*~  
  
Rand watches everything that is happening with a concerned look. "This is bad. It can't get any worse, can it?"  
  
"Light, Rand, you idiot! Don't say that!" Aviendha yells at him.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because when you say that, it always does get worse!"  
  
Luna grins maliciously. "Yup." She snaps her fingers. "I have some friends for you. Say hello to Demandred and Sammael!"  
  
"Oh no!"  
  
Demandred and Sammael come in, prepared to kill Rand.  
  
"Now you hold him down, and I'll balefire him," Sammael was saying.  
  
"What? Why do you get to balefire him? You can hold him down, and I'll balefire him," Demandred argues.  
  
"Or you could get out of the way, and I'LL balefire him," another voice says, and Aran'gar saunters in.  
  
"How did you get here?" Luna asks. "Ah, whatever. Carry on."  
  
Aran'gar shoves the two male Chosen, er, Forsaken aside and stomps to where Rand is sitting, horrified. "Look what you did to me! You made me a WOMAN!"  
  
Rand just stares at her--  
  
***  
  
A/N: For simplicity's sake, we'll say Aran'gar is a she, okay? *waits for a moment* Well, it had better okay because this is my fic and I'll sic Semirhage and Dore on you if you don't agree with me! *foams slightly at the mouth* Ahem, sorry about that...  
  
***  
  
--for a moment. Then he grins. "Balthamel?" he asks.  
  
Aran'gar blinks. "Is it that obvious?"  
  
"To me, it is."  
  
"Is that one of the Forsaken?" Elayne asks.  
  
"Uh-huh," Rand answers.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Hmm... are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Aviendha asks Min and Elayne.  
  
"What are you thinking?" Min asks.  
  
Aviendha points first at Aran'gar, then at Rand, and then makes a slashing motion with her finger across her throat. Elayne and Min nod.  
  
"Aran'gar, have fun. We'll see you later," Aviendha says.  
  
"Bye," Min says.  
  
"Yeah, what they said," Elayne says, giggling.  
  
The three pull up seats to watch while Aran'gar procedes to rip Rand apart with Saidin. Poor Dragon. It's about time he died. Hehe...  
  
*~*  
  
Luna is surveying everything and rolling on the floor laughing. "This is the best thing I've ever created!" she chortles.  
  
Dore the Darkhound just looks up at Luna. You are odd.  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
I have no problem with it.  
  
"Good. Let's go. I'm getting bored," Luna says.  
  
And with that, Luna snaps her fingers a last time, and she and Dore vanish, leaving behind all the chaos and fighting and death in the little house in the middle of nowhere.  
  
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A/N: In humor fics written by other people, I've seen them write something along the lines of Lanfear and Moiraine having been best friends and that's why they disappeared into the doorframe ter'angreal. I thought it was funny. After a bit of thinking, I decided that it made perfect sense for Semirhage and Nynaeve to be best friends because of this, since Lanfear and Semirhage hate each other, and Moiraine and Nynaeve hate each other. That should explain why Semmy was wanting to help Nyn before spotting Lanfear.  
  
Now then, wasn't this fic interesting?  
  
(Cricket chirping)  
  
Damn crickets! *runs around, stomping on every cricket in sight, then returns to her readers* Sorry about that. Very annoying, those crickets are. Review (or flame), okay, or else I might have to smash you like the poor little crickets. 


End file.
